A Brief Pause

I’ve just had dinner. I had a drink on Friday and my brain still feels like it’s a lump of polystyrene. I look for reasons but maybe I’ve just drunk enough for it to always be that way to a degree? Boring, that, for you to read, but it’s why I dig for reasons.

For the last few weeks I’ve been absolutely exhausted. On Thursday night I slept all night and for some reason this made me feel ill on Friday and I was fed up enough to drink three bottles of red. Good red it was. But the real fact is I love drinking but I suffer for it for so long. That and I tend to drink alone and end up talking to strangers online who probably think I’m weird. It’s a sad thing to do, isn’t it. I was just so frustrated. I feel like I have much more drink control than I ever thought I had. I never denied having a problem with alcohol, unless it was to people who were worried, but never to myself or anyone else I thought might understand polystyrene head because I wanted to understand it.

I’ve had weeks of being too exhausted to do anything. Before then I was going for my walks through the forest which felt healthy. Or as healthy as it gets when you live somewhere you don’t want to live and have no real money or income and hate everything you’ve ever done to make money because you believe in art.

I used to really like programming. And maybe a big piece of me still does. I like working things out and the feeling you get when things work, I just hate doing it for other people. Maybe the root of that is polystyrene head.

I will go on, and on, about making change, but if you’re too tired you’re too tired. There’s ten years just fallen off of your life.

The lipid man. He at one point talked me into taking statins but I’m going off the idea now. They can cause muscle damage and I want the ability to develop muscle. Maybe I’m being silly about it. I don’t know. My regular cholesterol is kind of high but not crazy high as far as I’m concerned but he has said my LPa is higher than it should be and based on that, taking statins now could prevent any issues later on down the line. But he also said I might have been fine without them. On one hand I’m lucky because most people don’t get an LPa test, but if you have heart stuff in the family you get a test for it. On the other hand I don’t want to take them. I don’t want to be my age, I don’t want to be balding, I don’t want to have to do a job I know I won’t like, I want to get drunk and I don’t want polystyrene head. And I’m no great fan of my ginger beard.

My friend had a bit of a party the other day. I didn’t go. Partly because I was exhausted and I couldn’t. Partly because busy bars just seem foolish to go into as we’ve only just passed another wave, and partly because I don’t really like being around people most of the time. Present company excluded. Humans are both deeply boring to their core and fascinating. They lose their interest, often, when you talk to them and they think you’re one of them because they’ll start talking about wallpaper or cushions or software. The world is an idiot. Anyway. Maybe I expressed myself badly. Partly because it’s become a bit taboo to say you still have issues with Covid; don’t blame me, blame the science, and also I don’t think it went down very well. I think people think I think I’m special. I am special, but often I just have differing opinions and I don’t see why other people would be offended by that. AND!! I’m not really good in social situations because I’ll drink too much and start talking about things that interest me…”do you think the human eye has a frame rate?” or “I find it very hard to socialise, do you mind if I sit at a different table?” I hate it. Not always. I’m told I got drunk and then danced on the bar of a rock club which seems as unlikely to me as it does to you, but still.

I’m ready to start my life. Most people would probably yawn at me talking about starting my life at my age. The first job I had which I left at thirty wasn’t far from home and it wasn’t like I was married or with kids or anything. Then I ran off to Brighton. I think I thought I could get away with drinking more than I should, but in the end…polystyrene head.

I did consider drinking gin tonight, but polystyrene head and I need to sort myself out. I did manage to do a little bit of work. I need to learn to use Advanced Custom Fields. I kind of had a handle on the non-pro version but I think I have the pro version now. I need to incorporate it into a site once the pages have been settled on. I should probably compress the images too, the site is over 60mb using duplicator, but still. I suspect a lot of the images need some work.

I’ve had enough. Having got drunk on Friday and talked to strangers online I get paranoid my neighbour heard me. Why am I even living here? Nowhere I’ve lived feels like it worked out and I made tonnes of friends. I did make friends in Taunton, Bath and Brighton, but none of these places worked out well and I don’t know if I’ve even got the energy to start again with software. I don’t feel like I have direction besides wanting to go back to Brighton and feel safe because nobody wants to kill me, which might be an illusion anyway.

You can’t face your whole life without facing your past, so they said on Stranger Things. Something like that anyway. I can’t face my past because I don’t know what happened. I’ve emailed the estate agent, though he never got back to me. I wonder if he thought I was insane? I don’t really get people. Which is frustrating.

Definitely not drinking. It’s Monday for God’s sake, I should be over this.

Dream well…