A time to sleep

A little conscious of self-absorbed typing. I suppose one should keep such things private? I can’t tell. I strive to figure out the ways I can help myself and usually, especially in the now now, struggle to talk about positive actions I’ve taken due to a lot of tiredness that’s come over me.

I wonder if I can change to say the things people expect of me rather than analysing my own human experience? I’m not one who enjoys pleasantries and people send me to sleep. It’s no wonder I spend time on my own.

On a tangent, how does one stop slugs from entering one’s house. They are part of life and that’s great but nature’s given me a disgust for them and anyway, I don’t want to hurt them by treading on one by accident. I bought a tape draft excluder but the door wouldn’t shut.

I didn’t go out today, though I was invited to a friend’s birthday pub visit. I couldn’t have gone due to the tiredness but I also pointed out that the virus was in the throws of a new wave. I am torn. I’m told the virus isn’t going anywhere and we should get on with it. Personally I think the government should be giving more warnings instead of ignoring it, the prospect of new variants sounds real and they could become more deadly. I’d not have been comfortable from a covid stand point. I don’t think I like that term. Stand point. Someone annoyed me earlier by using the “word” peeps. It just makes me want to cut something.

I should go to bed.

In other news I have heard that the interview I had a couple of weeks ago isn’t a dead end and they’ll be letting me know if I’ve made it to the next round on Tuesday. Which is terrifying. I have been exhausted, though sleeping in the day for varying amounts of time, for weeks. I think that’s why my lymph nodes are swollen and hurt. Now I have the DWP asking me to fill in a form explaining why I’m not fit for work. You’d think a doctor’s note would be enough. She was also on about PIP. I’m not comfortable with claiming more unless I can get a diagnosis for the tiredness. I’d rather just find some work, but that’s hard if you’re so tired. My head gets muddled.

I want to find some drum lessons. Singing lessons. Guitar lessons. Being lessons. Drawing lessons.

Coke. I love coke. I think a little embracing of the Coke logo, though a hatred of logos exists, might be nice. A poster. Along with a Marlboro one. I miss branding on cigarettes.

I wonder if I’ll sleep if I try right now. I slept from eight until about eleven. The kitchen is in a terrible mess as I haven’t the energy to wash up for some time.

I did feel bad for not going out. But then, although as my friend tells me I’m not special, I don’t actually like being around people. Well. Most of them. I don’t know why that is. I don’t think those people should take it personally, but how much can one achieve whilst performing the rituals of social introduction. Of course it could plant a seed and one shouldn’t always think of achieving but I do and I get edgy. Very frustrating when one is tired and can achieve nothing anyway.

I saw a film today. I’ve been watching a lot of them lately due to the energy issue. I really liked it. 3 from Hell. Violence. Mexico. The bad guys win. What’s not to like?

On that note I will go again and see if sleeping is an option. The problem with sleeping is that I get frustrated because I can’t achieve anything whilst unconscious.

I don’t want to think like that. Sometimes relaxing, I don’t think I ever do relax, but sometimes relaxing or pondering is worth more than “achieving” some bull shit goal.

I had better go. I shall go…

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Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...