Bring in the wine!

Good evening. Welcome to the whorehouse. The outhouse, the roundhouse, Bleak House or public house. Call it as you might, it is I.

Who are we this evening, darling? Who are we in this night? I don’t think I know who I am. Is that important? Can anybody say who they are? Do they have that mental construct? I don’t. I gain one of others but not myself. Maybe that’s normal.

I struggle with confidence because of my memory. So I aim for junior roles. The problem is, that in junior roles they expect you to hear them. The people do. I’ve been too tired to operate anyway.

What is a sense of self? Can you see yourself? Maybe it’s arrogant to try and put yourself at certain levels in order to gain a picture. “I’m very good at such and such”. Well…being very good at something needs other people with whom you can compare! It makes no sense.

Do you think of yourself in terms of your own behaviour? Because you can’t judge how that comes across to others. You can only do your best. Something I said to my last full time employer before leaving. I certainly didn’t put up with that. Though it does leave me somewhat poor now, but he’s selling up to go and work for the company that bought him out to work on their product exclusively. Fine by me. I didn’t like the product anyway.

Do you judge someone based on looks? This has always fascinated me. People like cute puppies. It’s built into us. But what makes it more deserving than an intelligent toad, perhaps, or a kind pigeon. Or a human that’s twelve stone too heavy? Nothing. But we indulge ourselves. It’s a human thing that. And we have to forgive ourselves for being human. To a point. Take in that ugly puppy. Give it a home. It’s not all looks you superficial bastard.

I was saying in a previous post how I am what other people see me as. I’d like to know if that’s normal. If it is, it’s pretty sad, isn’t it? It’s weak, isn’t it? One must be a force to be reckoned with without the necessity of approval.

I’m so bored. I’m struggling as I can’t do a lot. My life is painfully boring when I can but when I can’t I struggle. I did do some work on the iOS version of a radio app, though. So that’s something. You could send messages on the Android version, to the studio, and I’ve written in that functionality for the iOS version now. I do need a new Mac though.

One of the questions that this raises is how secure is an API key if hardcoded into an app which gets compiled into a binary, either for iOS or Android? I’ve not looked too deeply into it, but I’ve seen people say you should create a server side from which to request this API key. Thinking about it afterwards, how does that help? It makes it slightly more convoluted to get hold of the API key, but you still have to store one for the server from which you’re requesting data, right? I’m not going to do this. It’s supposed to be a nice quick solution. I might either put in a config file which doesn’t get sent to git or maybe some place where it’ll get encoded into the binary. I think that’s safe enough for an API key that will purely send emails. What’s the worst that can happen? Rogue emails? I think one can worry too much if the risk isn’t that great.

I don’t get people. I think they build a safe area around themselves in groups. I don’t like being in groups. One person having an expectation of that group and me being a part of it rubs me up the wrong way. “Oh well we could do this.” Oh could we. Could we. We could could we? People who claim to be good looking. That annoys me too. I am a bubbling cauldron of hate. Someone I used to work with taught me that. Alas he and his friend at that place have passed. I’ve never worked anywhere where there hasn’t at least been the fear of death through illness. Makes you think about taking action, doesn’t it? Taking action doesn’t seem natural to me. You really have to kick yourself.

I should go. Dreams await, as does Thomas Shelby of the Peaky Blinders.

I’ve sent an image of a site I’d worked on to somebody and they’ve not got back to me which leaves me on edge somewhat. I don’t know what I’m capable of. I do have my mini React app. Do you think people want more than a mini app? It has a backend and everything. I was hoping it might help me get a job. With that said I’ve recently turned down the prospect of a job because it wasn’t development, also I don’t have any energy and on top of that I felt the questionnaire about things like what to do if you are late and starting at eight thirty was ridiculous. So I’ve said no. It wouldn’t have left me with any extra skills I could use anywhere else anyway. They’ve not replied. I explained my reasons but I also said I felt that the questionnaire was terrifying.

I am supposed to be getting healthy to avoid statins and I am failing because I am tired always. I am also falling asleep, but I’ve felt like that all day.

Okay. Going. Look after yourselves and don’t do anything you did yesterday.