Hold on to your structure

Dutch Steak
6 min readJul 23, 2019

What are thoughts? What do you feel when you visualise something? Imagine the letter A, as a capital letter. What is that? You can change the colour of it in your mind. Personally I find it hard to just draw with my mind, you need something to draw with to the yellow A in my mind is made out of plastic, a little bit like a building block a child might use. Likewise sound. If you’ve heard somebody’s voice, you can probably hear them saying things they’ve never said before. Invent the tones. How do we do that? Do you feel it happening in your mind? Our main senses come from our head since that’s where our brains are. Isn’t it strange to think of?

My brother’s been talking about his age just lately. It bothers him being 40. It makes me feel old to hear him. I’ve not started my life yet and his age, three years above mine is bothering him. Could we simply be hypnotised not to think about our ages? Then you have to realise what needs doing in your life. For me I want this move, which could be happening this Monday, to be the biggest transition I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve left home before. Never been very good at it. This time I want to be an adult. I still want to smoke sometimes, and I still want to drink. I can’t though can I. I mean I can but I can’t. The biggest intrusion with alcohol is that it leaves me feeling like nerves are tensing up. For years I’ve wanted to find someone who understood but never have found anyone. Maybe those drunks were just more physically active?

It’s been very warm here today. Bournemouth will be no cooler. Boris Johnson. Urgh. And I saw Donald Trump say the the UK like him. He couldn’t dare use the word love. I felt insulted enough by the word like and I wanted to tweet about it. I also wanted to tweet about how politicians keep saying they’re going to get on with Brexit and whilst doing so alienate half the people who voted. I hope it all comes crashing down.

What makes us so different from flowers? Floating in the breeze. Or a blade of grass that gets stepped on but survives. Is anything we do meaningful or do we just follow others?

The majority of what I’ve wanted to do with my life has been around art. Music and drawing and painting. I have to make damn sure that happens in my new life, and I would very much like to share anything I come up with. Of course for the first few weeks I may be getting my head around Vue, but for the rest of my time, art must ensue.

Not only that I want to get fit. And work on Uncouth. Uncouth may transition into a games company because the name fits. Ultimately I want to do good in my life but initially any games I manage to create would be cash cows. I owe money and I can’t escape that. Thankfully, not to the Mafia.

I think it’s got cooler since I started writing this. I got a quote. For a removal van. 1080. I was amazed. In fact I initially rejected it. My mother then said “You liked him, you know they’ll take care of your stuff, just go for it.” And so I did.

Clay. Have you ever thought about working with clay? I quite fancy trying to model the human body without the skin with clay. This could take quite a lot of education.

One thing I’m going to do in my new life is to get my Physics GCSE. After that I’ll do an A-Level if they still exist and go on to a degree. Physics is everything. Well to me physics also encapsulates chemistry but they must exclude chunks of that.

My eyes are dry.

Will I sit on the beach living so close to it? I don’t want to sit on the beach alone. I have been known to talk to strangers after a lot of alcohol but people don’t like to be bothered, particularly by drunk fools, and certainly I couldn’t blame them.

What are we? Is all this worth the hassle? We all have faults. I probably dive straight into the imaginary canal to avoid having to worry about falling into it.

Writing. It’s like another side of me. The honest side. The side of me which is telling people to fuck off or get out of the way that will never see daylight. I don’t think I’m a grumpy old man though. For one thing age is irrelevant to everything. For another thing stating facts is a positive thing to do even if people don’t like it. As long as you’re not upsetting anyone without reason and even then you should tread carefully. Someone on the phone, perhaps, who has rung you to sell something. I see no issue in being polite in that instance. Of course if it’s someone trying to con you into doing something with your PC, well, naturally I keep them on the line for as long as possible and then ask them, after some considerable time, why they’re lying to me.

Standards. I want some of those. I have an issue with Christmas. I like Christmas because I associate it with alcohol. Simultaneously hating Christmas for all kinds of other reasons. Carols and happy people just push me over the edge. But there’s a type of happy, isn’t there. People express themselves loudly. In any context unless profound that’s intrusive.

I often worry about being intrusive. I’ve been having conversations around boundaries, and I think I have a lot of them. Nobody should touch people during conversation, although I did once when I was a child because I started emulating the cretin my mother married at the time and I was a child. But sometimes people get in your space. I don’t know if I email people too much, so I often write emails and delete them. I have fifty three draft writings on here. I don’t know how to be. And to be is to be within the sight of others so it’s easier to just hide and go to sleep. For twenty years.

And plant things. My new flat is going to have Bonsai trees because I’ve got the seeds. I have the silver.

A saying I used to like. Actually it was the name of a tour from Ian Dury. “Hold on to your Structure”. Ain’t that something? I’ve always liked that.

No spirits. Spirits are bad. I drink like an over-eater. Like a fool. Not that I’m calling over-eaters fools.

I was interested in the cannabis cafes in Bournemouth but it turns out you have to bring your own and they’ve all closed anyway.

But I will grow things. Not those things. I like plants. I want my flat to be like a jungle. If allowed I would have considered a cat. A tiger! But it seems wrong in that environment. Where there are tourists. Lots of tourists.

I am terrified of moving to Bournemouth. I’ve only been once! I expect I’ll try out the clubs, but nobody goes on their own, so I’ll have to drag my friend. If I can’t do that I’ll just have to play guitar.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m sure I’ll make mistakes. The important thing is to grow, to learn, and to have fun. I’m really anti-social but also really want to meet people. People make you feel like you’re not just sitting around wasting your life.

And I’ll be on trains a lot. I hate trains a lot.

But now I will go.

I think I might see the sea a bit from my flat, but it’s ground floor. Is that bad? I have no idea. I don’t know what I want from life so I don’t have the get up and go. But if I am uncomfortable I do have the get up and go to get up and go.

Kind regards,




Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...