I care not no more

Hopefully this writing won’t be a complete piece of crap. I’ll do my best, but yes, tiredness and Brighton may feature. It’s my space. Be grateful you can stop reading at this point. Well. Fuck off then.

I am really very tired. Again a friend has annoyed me. I can’t help it. It’s about not being listened to and it’s about being patronised. Rolling off the many fruits one can eat. Somebody should tell the millions of people with CFS about it. They’d get them all back to work rather than with their, or what they thought, was a debilitating illness. I expect it drives me more crazy because I’m home alone with my thoughts all the time. And I know people have a natural draw towards solving problems. People don’t want to think it’s “hopeless”, but I have taken time to accept that it’s going to take time before anything improves, these people are incapable. I don’t want to have to deal with their inability to accept something that isn’t something that they even have to deal with. If they want an easier ride, don’t ask me how I am. Tiredness will be in there and I can’t apologise for that anymore. It’s a bit like learning that it’s okay to say it’s hard being gay in society, but I am getting brave. Seeing it’s okay to say things and believe them rather than being too scared or worried people will think I’m an arse hole. Ass hole. I’m going American. Ass hole. Maybe I am an ass hole, but…no…brave…I’m not an arse hole, I’m just learning to be myself unapologetically and it may lose a friend or two along the way. Bit of a bugger given that I only have one or two friends to lose, but that’s how it goes.

What else was I going to ramble about? I was watching a video about Asperger’s. I know, I look at labels too much, etc. But a label would really help me understand why my head feels different to other people’s. Anyway, they talked about a dislike for surprises, things that interrupt your routine. The fucking doorbell is one for me. Knocking. He mentioned that. I’ve not finished the video, but I can relate to most of it so far. The one thing I don’t think I have is a special interest. Or is that coding for me? It might be. He actually listed a load of them for himself, but I mean most people have these interests. Plus there’s the CFS which gets in the way.

A dislike for small talk. I definitely have that. I get anxious. I don’t know when to start and stop talking. The one thing he did say was how he had to be polite but I’m past that. I’m too old. Usually I am polite but if I’ve taken a dislike to somebody already I won’t bother. And I’m not a nasty person, I just have something against wasting my time. Up to them if they want to rabbit on. No fuck it, I do a lot of small talk. People would think you were a weirdo if you didn’t, but it’s a bit like unnecessary packaging.

One thing I keep having in my mind that I have to push away is a desire to own an Amiga again. To learn all about it. I have the desire, just not the energy and I know that it would get boring in the end. I like the idea of trying to make it handle 3D graphics, if I could find something that would render pixels by hand but there’s no way it’ll do it fast enough. I don’t know enough about how it handled rasterization or blitting. Do I mean blitting? Blitter. Bit…where you copy chunks of memory from one place to another, in my mind it’s a large array of colour values, into whatever amounts to video memory in that thing. I suppose it would be video memory.

What really means something to me is music though. People I know rarely get the same emotions as me, at least for the music that I do. I can’t explain it. It’s not particularly emotive either, some of it. Blind Willie McTell really does something to my back. Expression. And…this, really, is why this energy issue is such a problem for me. Besides having stuff I need to learn too.

Talking of learning I can’t do, one thing I did manage to do which I’ve probably already written about is the shop. I had a website for a therapist, she does all kinds of therapy but probably not the regular kind you’d expect, and she wanted to be able to sell video and audio. I don’t know if her stuff will sell or anything but I managed it. I wasn’t sure at all how WooCommerce would work. I mean I’d built a shop quickly, installed a theme and then created a child theme — because I was told this was the way to do things and I didn’t have time to learn much — but I managed what I wanted to do and installed it and got it appearing on only one page. I’d set it up to run on only one page, sell digital downloads and even managed to get it to allow redownloads for the logged in user. I hope that stays working. It took me ages to get the right link. Ultimately you want some security when you fetch a file, you don’t want someone to just find a link to the file and be able to share it. It seems to work anyway. Now I’m just hoping I’ll get paid one day.

I don’t think I can do this. I can’t stay awake. And it’s driving me insane. About a month ago I was able to study for about, maybe an hour, each day. I couldn’t do much else, but I am always grateful to be able to do that if I can. But for this last month I’ve been knocked out for the day.

Here’s the thing. I’ve just had a blood test. It covered all your vitamins and hormones and everything that could possibly cause fatigue and they found nothing. The doctor spent a lot of time with a lot of blood tests to find nothing. Eating a fucking orange — although I have eaten a whole pack, thank you very much — isn’t going to cure it. That’s not to you, that’s to him.

I watched a speech from Biden last night. I have to say I liked it. He did good. For all I hear about his age and how he’s going to struggle, he did good. There was energy and passion and he didn’t fuck up his words. He did a lot better than I could have done even with a speech and he did better than Trump does too. I will be disappointed if he doesn’t get in. Though…I will say…I’ve only got what I can get as a) me and b) what I see and hear. And as we all know…God is in the TV. And he’s a big fat liar. At times. Probably. Who knows.

Oh my God today…if I can stay awake…I can’t stay awake. I do get bored here. That doesn’t help at all. Onto rambling about moving.

I don’t know when or where but it has to happen. Yes I bleat on about Brighton but right now, without enough energy to consider the things I heard, it’s abstract and can remain irrelevant right now. I just need to get out and I can’t. Energy and money are preventing me. I do have my holiday planned though, at the B-place. I want to take some money down to play on the pier and maybe buy a record. I would say get drunk at a bar but it never helps me.

My cholesterol was 7.6! That’s high. They want it down to 2. I think I can have statins any time I want but Mum’s actually offering to get me a treadmill. I would like a treadmill.

Spaceman was good. I think I’d call it a romance from afar. I don’t know what other genre I could give it…skinny human…hah…Biden even mocked himself when he said Moscow at one point by mistake…

Now. How am I going to stay awake. I did start reading my CFS for dummies book but I can’t read right now. This is how I end up rambling. If I write an email I read it through before and after I’ve sent it. But I can’t do books. Not like this.

A day in the life of. I can’t cook usually. If I can it’s a very good day. A ready meal is just a good day. I suppose if I had energy things would be easier because I could get regular work. No I do, I do want an Amiga. But it would annoy me. All those floppy disks. Discs? No disks. It’s magnetic.

How have I got old and fucked everything up so badly either through delusion or self-neglect? Maybe I haven’t. Maybe everybody has. At least I’m not stuck at home with two point four children, although I do want a dog. Maybe two and a fourth of one. One with just the front.

I want to be like other people. Straight and sane and married and with a job and a mind simple enough to be happy. No fuck it I don’t want to be straight or married. I have a thing against make-up. The devil and her make-up bag. Came up with that on the train back from a traumatic time in Brighton. I found my head can write pretty good or come up with good ideas when I’m freaked the fuck out.

Who am I? I don’t know where I fit. I don’t think I do fit. I know I don’t fit.

I don’t want love I want money.

I also want a mini Amiga laptop thing. Let’s see if I can find one. I did find one. It’s actually a PC laptop with a Amiga OS on it for 140. I did find a frankenstein A600 but it looks more like a very heavy suitcase. I was sure there were mini Amigas.

Pete Docherty. I just saw an emotional interview on Facebook. Come on! Dress like a rock star. I know…you don’t want to now. I didn’t spot you changing. I never listened to your music. But the hat…the top…lose it all.

What a bastard. Well it is morning and I’m barely with it. How have I messed up my life? Or lived in such a way that it remains so empty. People make me anxious. That’s probably it.

Did you know that the Amiga 600 was an Amiga 500 in a smaller form factor? Fucking disgrace. I always wanted one because it was new. How are people hooking these machines up to flat screens? Just seen an A600 on eBay and one of the pictures has WordWorth running. I remember a woman coming into a shop in those days saying she wanted that on it. I never used it she’s my only link. Short hair.

Games were more fun in those days. The idea of programming, even when I did my degree, it was simpler somehow. I mean the principles were the same. I remember I started with Pascal. Then we moved into VB. C++, Java, SmallTalk, Delphi, C…since then I’ve also done Kotlin, Swift and JavaScript of course. Don’t know if I’m any good at any of them, but I understand their bits and bobs.

Okay this is just shit. I’m up again. I’ve been up all night. I feel like crap. I want to study my Node stuff but I’m fucked so I’m going to look at something that I don’t care so much about.