I’m a little bit fed up today. I’d planned to wake up and do something creative with my guitar but I just plain don’t have the energy. Mentally I’m separating the recent diagnosis from reality; a word is a word and there has been some research on ME but people don’t seem to know as much about it as they do other things.

And I don’t know if it’s since Elon has taken over Twitter or if it’s me but I’ve been pretty disgusted at humanity lately. People have no understanding or respect for people who identify as a different gender. I’m no expert, but for women to get so pissed off that they consider it to be a threat to “real women", to call the likes of Izzard a pervert, a fetishist and to see the one thing wrong with some beauty pageant the fact that a trans person one, not that beauty contests are grotesque in themselves leads me to believe that there is no hope for humanity because it’s full of entitled, spoilt, unempathic cunts who think nothing of doing down another human being because they are different in a way that’s psychological. They don’t fucking claim to be able to have kids, they’re not morons, and they have more strength than anyone who criticises them purely for who they are and it is what it is. I’m not asking anyone to respect it, but to show someone disrespect because their body defies how they feel only makes you look bad you self-centred, narcissistic, small minded useless, vicious, blind, poorly brought up bitch.

I feel a little better now. I deleted my Twitter account because the vast amount of ignorance has made me sick. Sadly it kept me mildly entertained whilst in this state of shattered but unable to sleep. I can’t do anything which is why I’m here. And I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for feeling angry that people aren’t treated with baseline respect, thank you so much for “freedom of speech" Elon. But I am sorry I resort to words which are purely to expell my dislike of the way strangers behave.

Writing here is all I can manage today. I wanted to think about making a game for the phone. I mean I know I could have coded flappy bird. I’ve also thought of writing my own Twitter. I’m not naive enough to think that all you see of it is all there is, there’s moderation, and a million other things I don’t know about, but just making something work could be fun. But I can’t build anything. I am fucked.

I’ve had enough. I did propose some text for someone I made a website for to improve their SEO, but I can do no more.

I am angry, sad and proud that inequality makes me viciously angry. But I can’t process it.

It’s remembrance Sunday. I don’t get that either. Two minutes of silence. It makes me feel uneasy. It’s not about our country. I can’t help but think about all countries. Yes it’s something that we feel pride for but feel proud of the people. I don’t think I can. I just feel sick and sad that humans got to where they got to where people were killing each other. I can’t process it. Surely the time must come where we’re allowed to forget the awful past of humanity? Of course, beating dictators is a huge and wonderful thing. But I can’t get passed the fact that I don’t want people to fight at all and I feel like having it shoved down my throat is offensive. Can’t we shield people from that? It just makes me feel horrible.

The radio’s on now. I don’t think I’ll sleep. I don’t know what to do in this state. All I can do is lie down. I’m bored of pixels but they are handy. I’ll play Hearthstone.

I don’t want peace. I want an energetic party and creativity and I’m fed up.



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Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...