I’m tired so I probably won’t get to the end of this. It’ll probably be a lot of the same old stuff anyway. Just a few thoughts.

I am still tired. That’s partly because I always am but it’s also because I bought a new mattress. It’s not that the mattress is of poor quality or anything but I’d destroyed my old one — still trying to fit it into bin liners — before realising that the new one, of the same size, will not fit up the stairs. So I’ve been on the sofa for a while. I did bend it somewhat. In fact I tried to bend it in half so I’m a bit nervous on the refund front but I’m definitely going to try. They’re making me pay to send it back, too, which I wasn’t expecting. I think it’s going to cost me about sixty quid! So if you’re looking to buy a new mattress, get it from Argos or somewhere that will collect it for nothing. I missed that convenience. Got a new one coming that’s all foam so hopefully it’s comfortable.

Wow that was boring of me. Not that I’m not normally boring. But it’s my blog, shut yer face.

I also have a new client. A client who hasn’t turned away because of my prices either, which is great. They don’t have vast amounts of money but they’ve said they’d pay in instalments so I should be alright for money for a while. Something new for the portfolio and it’ll be stretched out so it works nicely for the old CFS or whatever it is I’ve got. I’ve taken to imagine I don’t necessarily have CFS. People talk about how denial about it isn’t helpful, but it could be anything, though hopefully a GP wouldn’t diagnose it unless they were sure.

I’ve started a new Discord server. It doesn’t have anybody in it besides me at the moment but it has a room for meditation so you can post links to meditations as I want variety if I’m going to do it properly. I don’t know much about it but if it means I can fully relax for ten minutes it serves my purposes.

What else is new? I’ve neglected my Android studies for a bit. Tiredness initially and then everything felt up in the air because of the mattress. Not because I’ve been sleeping on the sofa or on the floor, but because there’s shit everywhere and it’s cluttered my mind temporarily.

I’ve been talking about Brighton and Bournemouth to people as I do need to move. My issue with both of those places is that I’ve lost my mind and humiliated myself twice so I feel scared to go back. Well. Of course there could well be a couple of people who actually think I’m the devil in Brighton but it felt humiliating. One thing I want to say though, as I might have wondered myself if I were reading so much from one person about Brighton and what happened is that I’m not skirting around it. I genuinely don’t know what happened or why. I do know that it now looks like nothing happened, but I also know that if it didn’t, I was hearing things for a couple of weeks on the run up to the major episode. And that’s why it’s so confusing. I’m still waiting to hear back from the police. And I know. If you’re reading this and you know what I’m talking about, you probably think “Just let it go Ash. For Christ’s sake! Just let it go.” I’m a stubborn old mule and I’m not going to be able to until I know I’m safe on those streets if only for a holiday. Something I’d done once before before moving there, but I’d ended up ill the whole week. I imagine walking slowly down the streets where I’d lived and everything went crazy to just take it in. So of course this, as always, has been on my mind.

One thing I am considering once I do move if I can get the clients is co-working spaces. I am a people person and I’m not a people person. I love positive people who don’t think too much beyond the present. People can be fun. They make me care about them rather than thinking about how relatively close to death we all are and how it doesn’t matter anyway. Maybe that’s just natural, that and physics, because I have too much time alone.

I want to reinvent myself. I know this will make some snort, but I’ve even considered changing my name. Seeing how it feels. Jack is the favourite at the moment, I think it’s a name with strength, but part of me is laughing at myself for it too. It’s not remotely related to Jack Sparrow although I did notice that Jack wasn’t Nicholson’s real name and I thought that was quite cool. I remember rambling at a man on chat roulette after a good few wines at some stupid hour in the morning. He looked very, very much like Nicholson. Probably the eyebrows. But this…is by the by.

I feel like I’ve not studied in ages. I’ve got the rest of my Android course to do. Starting with finishing off a paint app. I’ll think only of the current section or I’ll get tired thinking about the rest. I still want to do the Pokemon app, something like that and the forest app too. If I get a client, though, that will take priority.

Something I’ve been thinking about is why I struggle with employment. Then I thought, I know it’s confidence related. But I also know I have a lot of knowledge, often more than the people I work with who still manage to get more done. I looked online at some videos on confidence issues and imposter’s syndrome and whilst I do have that at times, I don’t think I do so much now. My issue is that everything else, the confidence and the imposter’s syndrome, they’re exacerbated by my inability to take in verbal information and to get enough confidence to ask plenty of questions about any written information I’m given. There’s a fear that they’ve already explained what I’m asking and will get annoyed at me, and because my head gets foggy, I can’t promise, after someone might have taken the time out of their busy schedule, that I’ll remember what they’ve said to me. I don’t know how to handle that. Coding is my thing and…I guess I just push it with the freelancing. That works well for me; the clients are often not technical and I can do things my way usually. I wish I had a solution, but you work with what you’ve got, right?

I did have an idea for an app, actually. My new client sells plastering in a variety of styles. What about an augmented reality app that puts a sample of that plastering on the wall so you can see it using the camera? I don’t even know if that’s possible. I have much to learn about augmented reality, machine learning and the other one. What is the other one? Anyway. Maybe there isn’t another one.

I do want a new mac too. Also, with a little tiny bit of extra money coming in each month I’ve got thinking about money. Here’s a trick; if you’re poor and you’re in a fuckload of debt, pay off small amounts of your credit card at a time and lower your credit limit as appropriate. I’m doing one of mine in 250 quid chunks. That way I feel like lowering the credit limit is a reward and it’s for paying off smaller amounts.

Also on moving. Regardless of location I’m a bit worried about it. I know from past experience if I live in a flat, there’s a chance I’ll go mad. Actually I have gone mad in this house too so maybe it’s not specific to flats. I don’t know. I do know that I hate living in a flat where you can hear the other people taking a piss and in my experience having sex, or even cooking. Just fuck off out of my world! My audio world. I also need space for my drums and guitars and desks and one day my ART.

Also. I want to do more with my SteamDeck. I’ve installed Mortal Kombat on it which is nice but there’s a lot more to be done. I might see if I can connect my guitar to it. I’ve never liked installing some things on my main machine, I’m a bit precious about it, but I don’t mind with that thing. Although I haven’t done any coding on it, you can. I have installed VSCode. I would consider playing with DirectX on it, too, but that’s a Windows thing. It’s a whole little computer. Maybe I’ll try installing Command and Conquer on it soon too. I need a new desktop actually. But for that, I need a new client. I want to learn about DirectX some more, maybe again with a 2D engine, but incorporate all of the 3D maths into a blog as I learn.

So I’m trying to think positively. For now I will lie on the sofa drinking coke.

Think to the future as well. Sorry nothing exciting has kicked off…