It’s a bit fucking warm if you ask me. It makes no sense. Well it does happen from time to time but I think I prefer the cold. I was born in the Winter so I have different colours, probably Christmas lights as my mental security blanket. Does everyone have those? Is it just a memory rather than a security blanket? I don’t know. It makes me feel…errr…well actually I know what it is. I remember the feeling of magic that came with those lights at some very young age, maybe two, maybe earlier, and they’ve stayed with me. Chocolate’s in there too, probably off the tree and then came my birthday.

I made a little progress with my website today. The text needs to be changed because it’s not very well written and doesn’t really express what it is I want to say. It’s not Articulate enough. I do like the menu though. I may not be a great designer but I sure can steal other people’s interesting JavaScript widget ideas and write them myself.

Colour schemes. I like the dark on the first view. It’s hard to get colours to match with it though so I’m thinking of transitioning it into a colour that’s more easily matched so that by the time you get to the next screen it works.

I had an interview for an internship. I didn’t get it. I asked for feedback and it turned out that “you must have questions!” and apparently I should have worn a tie and a shirt and had a notebook. What am I twelve?! And I am sick of going through situations where I’m supposed to behave in a certain way so I’m just going to say the word fuck and be done with it.

Well not quite done with it. You see they sell vouchers and tickets online. Their software involves a widget that can be embedded into a page to do such things. Could I do that? I also spotted a post about how people don’t like HootSuite…can I do that? I still want to write it in React, the first chunk of code and I’ve not done it. I have been working though. If I’m not learning I’m working and I made 80 pounds today. It took me far more time than eighty quid is worth but it feels good. I have nothing in the way of money besides what I borrow or take from the government but I want to spend it.

Today was another wasted day in front of pixels but I also managed to do twenty press-ups. That’s one of the things I always mean to do but don’t. If you keep doing a set like that every day, it goes up. For me it doesn’t matter how much I drink or smoke or neglect myself over a year even, when I return I can still do more than before I started so I think it’s worth continuing.

Do I have plans for the weekend? Well it’s really warm. If that continues I won’t get much work done. If it’s cool enough I want to get to a certain point in my React studies where I can say “Okay, I’ve done a quarter of the course, I understand it, I can move on.” I’ve also applied for a role as a graduate iOS developer. Can I apply for graduate roles? I mean I am one but it was a while ago that I became one. I just want to start from scratch but specialise. Either in React or iOS development, I don’t care what it is out of those, but I want to specialise because specialising is more fun than having some foggy-headed idea of being okay at all of it. Plus it narrows down your field if you want to freelance. I did a lot of iOS studying, but how do you push it to the next level? What is my next move besides learning React? Yes it has got to a dangerous point where I really need to be making money, but is it just that I should be applying for jobs, or could I be doing something to enhance my chances as a freelancer? I suppose I could advertise as someone who needs help getting clients. What should someone who gets the clients receive? Why don’t I feel confident enough?

Someone I spoke to once said they wanted an app to track people’s progress as she was a life coach. I did think about doing that, she vanished, but I could still do it. The other idea is invoice generation. Of course it’s been done before but I want something in the app store. Maybe I need to go back to my radio app.

Then there’s thoughts of Bournemouth. Could I live there? My mother always says you go where the work is, but I’m not about to apply for a job in Germany or Greece, so I said that if you apply for jobs where they’re local only, then you’re selecting where you live just as much as if you were applying for jobs in some other place. Bournemouth does look very flat. I seem to remember Upminster was kind of flat, at least in comparison to anywhere else. Maybe it just felt flat because I wasn’t the overweight monster that I am now.

Technology-wise there are things I want to learn. React being one of them. iOS being another, although I might just see if I can make something. Maybe I got bored of the radio app once I realised that the iPhone X was making it hard to see my advertisements. What fucking stupid person’s idea was that “notch” on the phone. So those are two technologies. And Android. I can’t do it all but those are three, and then there’s the ethical hacking course I’d like to do. That one sounds more relaxed.

I had a moment today where I thought I might be having another moment of clarity. And I’ve been awake all day. I’m not sure what’s changed. Maybe it’s the new vaping thing I’m using. Well old but new to me at the moment. Maybe it’s all in the atomisers? Same fluid different atomiser. Maybe it’s just because I’m going on alert for money as if I were a starving cat ready to pounce.

I don’t know where I want to live. I am lost. I do know I don’t want to live up north. But even that I might enjoy. Who the ruddy hell knows anything?

I’m going to play Hearthstone. I must look into mindfulness to try and work out what I want. It has to be realistic though because I know what I want and I can’t have it. I want to retrain and I haven’t got the money. I can’t make decisions with a foggy head. Which means I shouldn’t have been making decisions for most of my life! Just put someone else in charge!

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Dutch Steak

Dutch Steak

4 Followers

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...