Dutch Steak
7 min readMay 7, 2022


It’s been a while. I thought I’d have a ramble here. I have been surprised actually that anybody reads anything I write, though in the past it’s been some programming tutorials, and I think someone even liked some of my rambling about my own mental health. Remember; if I seem self-centred, I probably am, but that’s why I use this as an outlet from time to time.

Anyway, what is new!? What is new! Wosssnew!?!?! I’m no longer contracting. I probably never mentioned in here that I was at the time because I’ve been busy contracting. It was the easiest contract I could have hoped for. I know I’m not supposed to admit to liking the simplicity, but that’s what I need I think. People talking confuses me, it’s like being an animal in a room that just hears sounds at times. That’s frustrating, but previously people have just made sense. Spoken with pictures “Can you make this?” and I just make it in HTML and CSS and that’s it. There were ridiculous restrictions meaning I couldn’t share CSS amongst my pages and PHP would have been nice at times but still. The simplicity was nice. I don’t actually know what I’m going to do now, I’m back to wondering if I’ll be moving back in with my Mum, but still. I’ve got a month. I think. I’m not all that good with numbers.

Today was largely unconscious. Well it wasn’t, I was. I was so tired. I am putting so much time into Udemy at the moment as I’m learning React. I’m really getting there. Of course I worry I might not remember enough to make it worthwhile, but hopefully when I come to building a project on my own I’ll be able to just skim read my notes and it’ll all come flooding back. Here. Let me try to explain what I know. Actually I’ll leave that until the end; it’ll be the most boring part.

I’ve not been hearing voices which is nice. Not for some time. I am thinking they start with anxiety nice which isn’t so nice. It’s weird though because I never know I’m anxious until I start hearing things. I just don’t think “Oh my God, I’m so anxious right now!” No. Instead I start hearing people talking about me. Insulting me. Very personally sometimes and what am I going to do at that point but get more anxious. But not for a while so I must have relaxed a little bit.

I’ve got a company thing. I don’t want to drop Uncouth Studios, not that it ever made any money, but this other one’s supposed to make me look more professional. I don’t know if I’m allowed to steal the names of songs as I’d rather like a company called Satanic Majesties because I think it’s a beautiful name, but the more pretentious me has gone with Arise Software. God that’s boring. It’s supposed to reflect a few things. One is a company’s rising up and doing well. Hopefully that company won’t be a sick capitalistic company full of twats who probably don’t deserve to do well. But it also comes from that thing I wrote that ended “I am potential and I will arise”. It also partially relates to recurrent dreams I have where I have the power of telekinesis — as long as I wiggle my ears — and I shout “Arise!” and some object will rise up in my dream. It does sound boring, though. Arise Software. Maybe I should just think of it as Arise on its own. Like uncouth. It even has its own URL and everything at the moment.

Money-wise I got nothing coming in at all. I’m seeing the job centre again on Monday. It’s been a while. I have to say they were very understanding of my mental health problems and tiredness the last time I saw somebody. I think the contract, and potential job at the same place, must have given them some hope. This woman sounded nice enough in my journal anyway. If I can get money from there maybe I’ve got a couple of months before I have to panic.

My issue is I can’t multitask. I can’t get healthy and learn. If I say I’ll do a course, that’s all I’ll do for months on end, assuming there’s no work of course. Still. I’m on module 22 of 31. Progress to be proud of. BUT I MUST LEARN TO PLAY MY GUITAR DECENTLY OR I’M GOING TO FUCKING GO CRAZY. Because it’s far more important as is my health. Sadly there’s another course I want to do in NodeJS to create the backends to my apps, but I might settle for the hacked Laravel solutions I think I already know how to do.

App ideas currently; A Twitter Scheduler; An administrative app for the radio station app I made — currently all it does is play the radio but if I can get them onto a web app we could have an API and set up schedules and images and have those get downloaded onto the app UIs which I think would add a lot. Phone apps — a forum. I think a forum might be nice with video chat and the like. You don’t see them so much these days, those traditional forums, but built with modern tools on the web it might be something worthy of doing. If not it’s good practice. What else could I build? I have always come up blank when it comes to ideas, but without them I’ll always be…well…it’s not very good is it. What about something like Twitter but for specific communities? Freelancers springs to mind. Probably good for practice if nothing else.

Anyway. Today was asleep and watching Grace and Frankie. I love Frankie — sorry Jane Fonda.

I am also rather taken in by all the media around Johnny Depp and this Heard woman. I have seen not a tear in her eye. I am biased. I’m not saying he’s innocent, because I couldn’t possibly know that, but I am on his side because I grew up watching him from Nightmare on Elm Street to Edward Scissor hands and because I’ve always just thought he was cool. He picks his films intelligently, I believe and when he opens his mouth he just seems, not only intelligent and with a good soul, but wise too. Sure he might stay up all night drinking and smoking hash, but who ever said that makes you stupid is probably a fool. So I’m on his side for now. I don’t know who this woman is. I saw pictures on the news of him passed out drunk or on drugs, but that’s not domestic violence. Plus she shat in his side of the bed, I mean Jesus, at the very worst it’s mutually abusive. And you can’t really go by the results of a trial without condemning evidence as far as I’m concerned. Just because a jury finds you guilty, I mean what does that mean? It means someone did well to make you look bad, it doesn’t mean you’re guilty. Hard to imagine being Johnny Depp, but he arrived to his trial playing War, a Bob Marley song and I think that’s pretty damn stylish. Idolise? No. I just want to be a fucking rich hermit, famous too, for something I love, something I appreciate and something of my own creation, to show other people what I can do. Because I’m deluded and because I’ve spent most of my life alone probably. One day. Let’s get these courses out of the way and then computers can bite me. Well…hopefully it’ll just be less effort. It won’t be though will it. Some bastard will offer me a job in Vue and I’ll have to do a stupid course in that as well.

Guitar chord changes! Right. I started writing an app, even blogged about it here. You log in, you see a cross reference showing you all your chord changes and you tap on one and try to beat your old score. Sanctum. And Vue I think. I maybe tried with React once, but let’s just start from scratch and write that damn thing because I just want to get it done, shove it on the website and call it a portfolio piece and move on. After the course. Then I’ll do it with Sanctum and React.

Plans to make money? Sadly I feel like I did before I got my contract; like I need a break and then to do something completely different. In fact you could argue I’ve acheived absolutely nothing from the contract except keeping myself in the same position I was in before I started it. Although they are talking about a role, and thankfully it uses React, so I shall see. Plus they might have some freelance stuff for me in a month or two. I do know I don’t want to keep drifting.

I also know I need to get some confidence. I’m getting CBT. It’s a bit generic, I feel like I need Hannibal lector or a therapist of that level to pull apart my mind but it’s something. I also need to move once I have some money come in. Where? Brighton, Bristol, Margate, Amsterdam, Hastings, London, Hornchurch…I think those are all that are in the mind. Ideally somewhere with a wide variety of people and where I can have room to play my music. And where I don’t live next door to my landlord; I like to let my grass grow a little and hang curtains how I like. Still. It’s a roof if only for the next couple of months.

I’ll fuck off now or I’ll start reflecting on how the guitar is more important than life itself, or music at least. I’ve had a drum kit for ages now and I haven’t learned. Lost my subscription to my lessons too…who wants to pay me?

I will finish this course, though, and blog about the building of the guitar chord changing app once more…

Take care world…stay voice free…



Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...