I’ve been watching a TV programme called “I am a killer” and it’s about different human beings who have ended up with life without parole or the death sentence in the United States. There’s the question of whether or not one guy was mentally able enough to be able to take full responsibility for his actions and of course I’m turning it around to my experiences of being slow.

Words slip through me. Wide awake people wherever I’ve worked leave me lost. It’s embarrassing. My mind is usually very tiredly thinking more about what interesting things human beings are and every day I feel amazed by it; I can’t always communicate well because I can’t remember the words spoken to me. I can’t do a damn thing about that. I have wondered if perhaps the years of alcohol intake, not every day, but consistently and heavily, have maybe left me like this.

One reason people don’t believe I’m thick is that I write code. I still have my job. How could such a “highly skilled” — their words — role be done by someone who felt thick? I do it in a tired manner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a perfectionist, but what I like about code is that you can take your time getting there and in the end you still have a clean job because you just hit the delete key when you don’t like something.

Communication about feelings I’m very good at, mine or anyone else’s. The words have more texture to me. I had my asperger’s test. I still think I’m probably one the cusp of that, but who am I to say that? I’m no expert. I’ve been told by the autism society or whoever the fuck they are that the diagnosis isn’t important, but that if you really feel that you are that way, then you just try to find coping mechanisms.

I’ve been known to hear voices. My concern about those voices has been that, for some considerable time afterwards, okay I’ll hear muffled voices talking about me. I could put this down to paranoia. Heightened senses due to a lot of anxiety. Ambient anxiety. But it starts with real words and that’s what pushes me into my spiralling loss of reality because I believe the words are real and they are very much words out of thin air. That said, in the past, some have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, when actually, they were just sensitive as hell, they, and I will include myself in this, can hear people far more clearly through the wall than most which leaves a lot for peripheral hearing when it’s not clear but the brain wants to fill in the gaps.

Talking of reality. I’ve had a conclusion. Free will. We do have it. But. I will only agree with people that we have it if they agree that it’s local free will. That’s my term. Its meaning will become clear.

The fact is that human beings give words meaning, it’s their language after all. So the idea of free will to humans is that one thing. You can’t change its definition by saying we don’t have it because its paradoxical, its entire meaning rests on this idea that we have it. If you say we don’t have it, you remove it from the dictionary and redefine a vast number of words that rely on free will. If you don’t understand what I mean think of the word “care”. To care is a very human thing. If you remove free will it becomes colder and isn’t what we think of care at all. It’s aiding a node. You cannot redefine the English language, it causes theories to get very complicated. So we do have free will. We have local free will, which is free will as we understand it and the dictionary can rest easy.

That’s the small picture. And it is small even if it is our reality. Our local reality. We have to try to embrace it. But, like everything else, it’s relative. And if you were looking at us whilst we were being created you’d laugh at the idea of free will. The chemical reaction that formed the Earth is still going on after that piece of history and we may as well be gas or cells in a Petri dish reproducing for all the free will we actually have. We have instinct built in, but you know what I see when I look at things that are less a part of that? The ideas we have and the brain? I just see the more malleable elements of our thought processes that didn’t need to be hard-wired. The essentials are hard-wired, the rest needed to be more dynamic so we can adapt. And adapting is what makes life, life. Well it’s not. That and this ridiculous notion that we have global free will in a global reality which we know doesn’t exist. To say that we have free will everywhere is a ridiculous notion. Another Earth would have gone exactly the same way as this one because it’s all inevitable.

I think that was what I wanted to day. Today wasn’t a bad day. I have told countless people how I’m always tired which makes me feel like a moaning bastard but I talk about things that bug me. Sure there’s reason to respect those who speak less, half the time there’s little to say, but I talk about issues I have because I don’t know if there’s something I can do to fix it so I’m hoping someone has the answer. It’s not worry, or a desire to worry, it’s that I don’t know when something is fixable. I hardly drink any more which is something. Now I just want to remain in bed.

Writing. I want to get into writing. Words mean the world to me. “You’ve not read my books and neither have I” was my thing today. Not a masterpiece, maybe not good or with decent amounts of meanings, but so often concepts and ideas come to me. So I want to write. I just want to get started. I’d also like to paint, I have this weird idea of painting humans, perhaps standing at the points of squares, one to a point, entirely naked, flab and all, looking at the others, everybody looking confused in some strange metaphor for life.

I’ve also been playing Watch Dogs 1 again as I got it for my XBox Series X. It’s only the old one but I quite like collecting the literally hundreds of collectibles and I have part two and I even have the third bought for me by my wonderful mum. For all the time I spend alone I don’t know what I’d do without her. I just wish she’d move and start her new adventure.

To be honest, though, today has mostly been learning modern Android development. God I’m boring. I had no idea how long I’d be spending on my own when I looked ahead years ago. I think I always thought I’d meet someone or at least have friends around. Still. It’s all a bit digital for everyone right now isn’t it.

The idea is to sell natively-written Android and iOS apps as a freelancer in the future. And hopefully sell something this year. If the company I work at is anything to go by, there are people who will supply designs so maybe that doesn’t have to be such a concern. They will supply designs and you can still charge enormous amounts of money.

Skills-wise I reckon I could make an API — actually I had started one. I am flying through this modern Android course. I keep saying modern. I did one and it was a bit old so I’m happy to be doing a Kotlin one for Android 11 now. And I even fixed a bug in my radio app. I say my radio app, it kind of feels like it’s been handed over. It hasn’t though, it’s mine. I want to make an API for it but I need to learn to develop a Laravel app so I can make the API and put it on their server assuming regular shared hosting can deal with that kind of thing, but I really don’t know. Something to look into. The idea is that they always have someone playing at specific times and it’ll show who it is, the presenter I mean, and the app’ll be able to access that. It’s not hard, I’m just tired a lot and they’re not paying.

I’m going to go now. I need to see what happens on Netflix.

Go away now.



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Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...