Let the beginning begin

Dutch Steak
8 min readJul 15, 2019


I keep writing in this space. This open browser window with Medium ready here for my words. I want to say something without rambling directly at anyone. In truth I have about fifty unpublished drafts on Medium. You can’t publish everything, right?

I drank and made myself wonky again so the prospect of organising a move, my God that’s intimidating, is quite a lot for me to take on mentally at the moment. I need to give notice on my house and then I need to start doing things such as getting a quote on the whole removal process and ordering boxes and I’ll be honest the whole thing is making me feel sick. I think I use those words too often, you know. “I’ll be honest”. Of course I’m being honest. Even if I wasn’t, who is to care?

I had one of those moments today where I felt shock at my age. Exchanged some words with a friend about how people could do with being more selfish. I was also thinking about vanity. I probably care too much about how I appear to people but I also think other people try and exploit it up to a point. Head-wobbles or generally talking down to people, I think it comes down to self-importance and vanity. Maybe that’s what I need. Not specifically a snooty head wobbling manner, but maybe some more vanity. Sure I hold on to my own beliefs and I’ll argue them, but that’s because that’s what I’ve got. Maybe I’m stubborn.

So! Today with a blurry head I have decided something else that’s required is focus. Focus is important. It keeps one stable. I am rather looking forward to my new job in many ways because I’ll be able to focus on front-end technologies and those alone, learning as I go and spending time at home picking stuff up.

Yes the head is coming back. I can feel my sense returning! I always live in fear after drinking because I know it doesn’t stop me from talking to people, and the chances are there that I’ve embarrassed myself. Even seeing a neighbour, as I did, when I went outside for some reason. All I did was say hello, but I know I wasn’t in a great state, I have a horrible feeling my flies were undone and I feel embarrassed. What can I do? Well sticking to not drinking would be a start. I think I’ve been bored. So very bored. But largely that has to be my fault, right? I don’t know other people who are as bored or who stay indoors as much as I.

I don’t enjoy being this way. I’m not trying to feed some weird sense of Ego. Interesting. I used a capital letter for Ego and it felt right so I’ll leave it. I don’t think I get a lot out of anything. Expression, if I could actually play an instrument or paint would mean a lot to me, but what is that? Is that feeding a selfish need? Hoping other people would be able to relate? I’d probably get more out of caring for animals. God I’m repetitive. You’re used to that by now. This is my therapy.

I keep wanting to write about my plan. I’ve got a potential start date of my new job this month and it’s the 29th. A potential move date of the 25th. Christ. I need to order boxes but I can’t face seeing anybody, and I need to get someone in to quote the removal process but again, I can’t see anybody. Not today anyway. Probably wise anyway as it’s a quarter to eleven. I also need to give notice on this place. I am scared. It’s too much change for me to make happen myself. I’ve done it before and it’s all gone wrong.

There are some good people in my digital world. I do recognise that. I feel like a mad fat old man living his life from the internet. I suppose I am really, although let it be remembered that only seven years ago I was 29. That’s a good way to think about these things.

I still feel strange. I know I do it to myself and I’ll be better over the next couple of days. I also know it will affect my mind. I need to be fresh and new! Ready to bounce into my new life. I’m told there’s a cat cafe. I love cats. Them and their purring faces.

Something that’s making me a little neurotic is getting the house clean enough for the landlady to come over. I know it shouldn’t. She’s seen the place a few times. I’m just trying to do everything all at once in my head and it’s not working. What I think I need is a good sleep. Then to finish up with some of the tidying.

You know I never remember anything I write. I have no idea what’s in my previous paragraph. I am mindless. A loon. A loony tune.

Maybe I should get into art. I want to make art that not only talks it screams. Shouts about the United States President. He got himself into trouble by writing a racist tweet today and then told everybody that the racist tweet wasn’t racist. Surely after writing something of enormous ignorance like he did should be grounds for impeachment? Maybe he’s showing what he can get away with, and I for one find that scary. Roll on the 2020 elections. The thing is, not only was what he wrote racist regardless of the origin of the people he was writing about, but he couldn’t even get that right and told them to go back to where they came from! They’re from the US anyway! Even putting the racism to one side he should be impeached for ignorance. Unless he felt he was feeding a certain type of person who’d lap it up in saying what he said.

I was also singing. Now that’s embarrassing. Singing along to Nirvana. “This is getting to me! This is getting to me! This is getting to me and I’m stoned!” Not sure those were the actual words but I certainly sang them. I do hope I’m not audible from outside when I do that. It’s not that it would bother me, it’s that I don’t like who I’ve become. A hermit singing to himself because he got drunk out of boredom because he doesn’t know how to make life work for him. I do know what I’ve got to do practically speaking in order to make some change, to move, and to start a new chapter, but I am scared and want to hide from it all.

I’m going to start reading a book soon. Mr Mercedes. I’m also going to start eating more healthily now that I’ll have a budget to make that happen. I’m sure I could have done these things before but I’ve felt unsettled. Almost like things weren’t worth bothering with because they weren’t permanent or stable enough. I have plans. I just hope that I won’t hear the neighbours’ televisions. Or them mine.

Am I a horrible person? No. No I’m not. I am oversensitive. But I find other people’s vanity offensive. I don’t understand it. Still, maybe people would lack character if they didn’t have this sense of vanity. If I go out, I look like self-consciousness personified, and I don’t think that’s the same as confident vanity. Maybe people just pick up on a style of communication, and it works, and actually sometimes I enjoy being around it because it carries the conversation. I shouldn’t think anybody heard me outside. On the up side I am moving. It’s going to be weird being able to walk, within five minutes, and be at a sandy beach. I wonder what it’s like in the winter. I took a pretty good picture of it too.

I have a video, a really shoddy video, I made of my new flat. I hope I can settle there. Make it feel like home. It has two bedrooms and a nice size living room. Room for an office and a place for the guitars and digital piano. A drum kit. Also to lose weight, out of vanity, and to read books.

Okay, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is a new beginning and maybe I’ll feel more capable then. Just giving notice on the house and ordering some boxes would do. Would move me on.

By the way, I am quite sure that even if nobody read this, I’d still use it. I just write it here because it’s a place where I can be myself. I like that other people read it because I think it’s good for someone who doesn’t go out so much to be able to show who they are, but I still think it’s good to just get things out.

Something else I did in that vain. Do I mean in that vain? Vein? Probably the latter. Anyway something else I did was to help someone with their eCommerce site. They wanted to learn more about it so I cracked open a beer or two and made them a video! Showing me solve problems and fixing things and changing things. I decided it was easier than explaining things. I hate the sound of my own voice. I hate my own presence. I thought it would be good for me and them. Sometimes, things are about the feel of things. You can’t really teach someone to ride a bike, but you can show them a way to teach themselves. That’s how I remember it anyway. It’s just perseverance. I used to like playing in the park as a child. I had a yellow BMX that I rode around the street. So confident of me! What went wrong!?

I’m not in a terrible state. Well if you jumped into my body you’d feel like you were but it’s relative and this is me making an assumption. The first thing you’d notice was that your brain felt blocked. Like the cogs had something jamming them. You’d also feel a little bit twitchy. And tired. Exhausted. But I’ve felt worse. The keyword as always is reconstruction.

Sorry world. I made a mistake. I’ve not the time to dwell on it and it was predictable but I’ll try and make it up to you if you’re kind to me as well.

Do you think you have to talk to your neighbours if you live in a block? I never really have. Round here everybody’s pleasant when I see them and say hello, but I don’t really talk to them. I have tried but most people don’t want to bother and often it feels like an experiment. Somebody told me I was misunderstood. I don’t know why he said that. I mean he’s probably right but I don’t know where he got that from. Maybe he sees more of my brain than most as we’ve been chatting for a while now. I have met him of course and will be working with him in the new world.

God help us all.




Dutch Steak

A coder, a rambler...and now wondering if maybe design and actual art, very different, should form my future...