Movin’ On

Good morning. Actually it is morning. What is it with people that do fist bumps? They make you want to punch them. Anyway. I’m supposed to be organising my thoughts. That what this text exists for.

I drank quite a bit last Sunday and I’m only just coming back at twenty to two on Friday morning. In fact, if I’m honest, I’d be drunk now if I could be. I’m so tired of being tired. I like drinking. But I also need to think ahead. So let’s do that.

I’ve been in contact with a couple of new therapists. What kind of therapy looks to you for answers? Probably some bloody good therapy, but I don’t think it works for me. I need answers from others. So that’s what I’m trying to do. Get answers from people who don’t know me. Because I don’t really know how to continue.

I did do some drumming. That was pleasing. I was able to record it and it’s just me messing around, but I liked it. The computer on the drum kit has a USB socket so it was easy.

I’m also thinking. Someone said to me that they’re planning on going freelance. Makes sense. But I’m the kind of guy who’s gone to feel a little down if they’re immediately more successful than me so I thought I’d get a Udemy course on freelancing. I know Udemy can’t solve everything, but I need the tips. I have no idea how to become successful and there’s a whole load of stuff I need to know. I am so sick of being too tired to do anything, but at least I can plan ahead for when I’m not.

This is all really boring. But it’s my outlet so I won’t apologise. Once again I’m nervous that my neighbour slash landlord would have heard me talking to randoms until around six in the morning last Sunday but it’s done now. I’ve not heard anything from him so I suppose I must be alright. I really want to move, but, God, it’s expensive, isn’t it? In an ideal world I’d probably pull in about three thousand after tax each month so I could put two grand on rent but that’s not suddenly going to happen. I suppose, maybe, I could contract. At least that would feel more like freelance. Maybe that’s the way forward for now.

I’m a bit tired of everything running in a browser too. Front-end, back-end, full stack. That isn’t all there is. I mean backend helps with any kind of internet coding you do but you can even wipe that out of the picture if you don’t care about making money and you just want to play with some graphics. Which I kind of do, but I also need to make some money.

I am so tired. I have slept all day but I think I’ll have to go back to bed shortly.

But I’m coming round. I think I might have ME. When I was first badgering my GP I just wanted him to tell me that was what it was because at least then I’d have a reason of sorts and at least then I’d have something to tell the DWP or future employers who I’d need understanding from. But now…for one thing it could be anything. I have to admit I have had a hell of a lot of the symptoms, but who actually knows? Really. I mean it’s an abstract thing this thing. For all my GP knows it could be anything — although my joints cause me trouble, but they would; I’m tired most of the time so I’m resting and not moving. I don’t want to carry on like this, and if it is ME then I wish it would leave.

Tomorrow. Friday. I need to work on this freelancing thing. I think I need to work on a new company name. Well. I have two actually, one is a bit silly, and one is less silly. I won’t write down their names here, but I think I might push for the less silly one.

One vaguely exciting thing that happened was a new release of an app I made for a radio station. The Android one went out without any issue at all but for some reason Apple are having issues. They’re on at me to provide proof that I have permission to use the logo and the URL for streaming. I’ve already provided that in version one. I think they’ll get fed up with me though. I think I might have been a touch aggressive as I was tired and the station wanted the releases to go out both at the same time. I don’t know why I care too much, I’m not getting paid, but I wanted it to go right. Especially since they’re bothering to do an ad for the app itself and to mention my company, the one with the silly name, not the sensible one. Kind of attached to the silly one. So the battle with Apple continues.

I just feel old. Like a dusty old show house. Not really lived, but old nevertheless. Nonetheless. This Medium thing doesn’t correct any of my spelling, it’s quite the bastard if I do say so myself.

The other thing I was doing before I got mashed last weekend was learning my Android stuff. Kotlin. And modern development. That’s okay. I often feel like I’ve fucked my brain too much and start courses again, but I think I was alright up to where I’d got so I’ll continue that course once I’ve the energy and the braincells have grown back. Pokemon app. It’s going to allow the search for Pokemon cards, but then it can get expanded to allow recognition of cards through the camera (maybe?) and card comparisons. I might make it a paid app if I can as it’ll be the only other app I have.

Which leads me on to! 2D games. I want to make one or two of those. 2D physics. Why am I so awful at ideas? I think I might have sunk into the code a long time ago; give me an instruction and I’ll give that instruction to the machine. So I think, perhaps, too much like the machine and not enough like a creative human being. Which I know I can be. I think, especially when sinking into this fucking tiredness, it’s just important to remember what you want to do once you wake up.

I might moan. But there is a glimmer of hope in diamonds dropped in the writing here. And I really need to find me a cook.

Okay…it’s two. I’ll go and see if I can sleep. If I can’t…LBC is there. Who’s on at two in the morning? Steve Allen will be on at four…there’s this other guy who’s on quite a bit but I’ve forgotten his name. Makes me smile though as he tears apart the government…

Take care

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